“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
Stephen R. Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People)
Most of us believe that we are good communicators. But are we?
Communications with others is often complicated because we, as human beings, are complicated.
Most of us realize that communication should be a two-way exchange of information. We have also probably heard that lack of communication is at the root of many problems. While these axioms may be true, there is so much more involved in becoming a good communicator. Even though we realize that communication between individuals needs to be a two-way exchange of information, accomplishing that is often elusive. Most of us like to talk a lot more than we like to listen.
As a motorcycle cop, my job was primarily traffic enforcement in Columbus’ bustling downtown. It was not unusual when I approached the driver after stopping a car for a violation to find the driver annoyed and angry for getting pulled over. If I was not careful, the interaction would turn into an argument and what would have been a simple traffic stop could escalate into something more involved. I discovered from the book of James in the Bible some sage wisdom regarding communication that I recommend everyone remember: “Don’t forget that it is good to listen much, speak little, and not become angry”. [James 1:19]
I printed this verse out and taped it to the inside of my ticket book. It reminded me to listen more than I talked, to empathize with the driver, and find a way to do my job while letting the driver vent and save face. I am sure it prevented many unnecessary arguments that could have led to arrests and citizen complaints.
This verse is not only worth committing to memory but also worth writing down and keeping where it will serve as a reminder each day.
If we truly intend for our communication to be a two-way exchange of information, we not only need to be concerned about our message, but also about hearing the other person’s message as well. This requires us to improve our listening skills. Simply hearing another’s words is different from listening to understand. In listening to understand, we are attempting not only to comprehend what is being said, but also to recognize the feelings and motivations behind the message. This requires both intention and often patience.
One way to be a good listener is to have a genuine interest in what the other is saying. Try to learn something from the communication. Many people, when they finally stop talking and permit another to talk, are spending the time thinking about what they are going to say next. This is listening to reply, not listening to understand. Do you ever find yourself doing that?
. Like so many other skills, being a good listener takes practice. The next time you are in a situation where someone is expressing that they see things differently from you, make a point of saying nothing and letting them fully express themselves. You may find this difficult to do, because you want to talk, but make the effort to just listen until they are done talking. You will find that doing this often diffuses the situation and opens the door to better communication. You can begin to at least understand the other’s perspective, even if you do notagree with it. The more you force yourself to listen, the more listening will become a habit and the better you will become at having difficult conversations successfully.
Much communication in society today is not based on the concept of listening to understand. One only needs to watch the news and talk shows or view social media to realize that much of the time, we are not listening to understand at all, we are trying to convince the other person that we are right, and they are wrong. We spend a lot of energy on confrontation but little on collaboration.
Being a good listener requires effort but is essential to good inter-personnel communication. When we learn to listen, we become a better partner in any interaction. The more we allow others to be heard, the more we get heard as well. Listening to understand permits us to solve problems, diffuse conflicts, share ideas and build relationships. What will you do to become a better listener?
Kent Shafer 