I am not sure if it is simply my observations or if there are just a lot of angry people in our society. If you spend much time on social media, you will likely notice that there is no shortage of people arguing and disagreeing with each other. It seems that anytime someone expresses an opinion, someone else feels the need to try and convince them they are wrong. Many conversations turn into irate and disrespectful exchanges when participants see thing differently.
But the issue with anger and divisiveness is not confined to social media. Almost daily, the news contains stories of seemingly innocuous conflicts between people that suddenly turned violent. Most of us have observed people who seem to make a habit of antagonizing others and provoking an angry response.
None of us like to be faced with angry person. Since there seems to be so much pent-up anger in our society lately, learning how to deal effectively with others’ anger will help us get through our days with less tension, stress, and conflict. It may also prevent us from being the victim of someone else’s violent expression of their anger.
Our first reaction when others become angry with us may be to become angry ourselves. This, of course, is rarely helpful. As difficult as it may be not to get angry when we are confronted with anger, it is usually the best approach.
A good first step is to keep in mind that we do not have to take another’s anger personally. It may appear they are angry with us, and they may be, but we do not need to become defensive. We may not be able to control the other person’s emotions and anger, but we can learn to control our own.
It is helpful in controlling our anger if we keep in mind two considerations. First, we probably have no idea of everything that is happening in the life of the other person. There could be many reasons, other than the current issue, that is driving their anger. 19th Century Poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once wrote,
“If you could read the secret history of your enemies, you would find sorrow and suffering enough to dispel all hostility”.
The people you deal with are sometimes struggling with difficult situations you know nothing about. While they may be taking their anger out on you, understanding the likelihood that there is probably more to their anger than you and this situation can help you keep your anger in check.
The second consideration is how you chose to react to others. Warren Buffet is reported to have said,
“You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional response to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing things with logic. True power is restraint. If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass.”
There is another reason why it is important to keep our emotions in check when dealing with an angry person. Mirror neurons in our brain tend to mirror the actions and emotions we observe in others. They are part of the reason we tend to react with anger when someone else is angry or get sad when someone else is sad.
These mirror neurons can work in our favor when we remain calm and in control when another has become emotional or angry. Their mirror neurons will tend to have a similar effect on them. If we can continue to remain composed, it is likely that they will respond by becoming more composed themselves. The more often you can maintain this type of emotional control, the more you will notice how well it works to deescalate a situation.
Anger is an important and necessary human emotion. We all experience it. There are times when anger can be constructive. Many times, however, by getting angry when faced with anger, we not only make ourselves more upset, but we also usually make the situation worse. Given the frequency that we observe aggression and hostility in society, being able to diffuse anger and prevent conflict is a skill we should all work to improve.
Keep this in mind: Ships do not sink because of the water around them. Ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Do not let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.
Kent Shafer 